I'm Half a Virgin

Long time no see.
Let's see, I have...16 followers on this blog.
That is HORSE SHIT.
At least I don't bitch and moan all time...oh wait, if I did, I'd have more followers.
Sorry, I'm on my period...(Yeah, like that makes up for being a dick to everyone.)
Take the hint, ladies.

• Hitler holocausted himself in the end...
• Yes, I'm a virgin. I blame my sense of humor. Apparently hot girls don't like AIDs jokes because it hits too close to their inner circle...(Psst, hot girls have gay friends)
• I hate Mother's Day. You want me to get you a gift for getting pregnant? Okay, well I guess I'm going to have to get half the girls at LE some stupid card I picked up at 9:00 last night.
• This isn't a joke, but I just gotta say it. No one cares about your fucking party. The whole place will probably be AIDs infested.
• A friend of mine told me one of the definitions of "Rape" is "poking." Which got me thinking....we've been having rape wars on Facebook for years. People have logged on to their profile to find that I've raped them, then they rape me back. "Rape Wars," it sounds like one of those stupid Facebook app requests that all your dumbass friends send you.
• If any older ladies who wanna sleep with me are reading this, then I say "live your dream!" If statutory rape isn't your thing, then maybe molestation is!  C'mon! break a few laws. Wouldn't be the first secret I've kept....Boy scout camp 2010. I know what you're thinking, "Cody, that is awfully recent!" I know...I'm a such a sucker for candy.
• It's weird how older men have to take pills to be able to have a sexual experience. I take pills just to forget some of mine.
• The only time Amy Winehouse took just one hit of anything was the #1 spot on the music charts.

"I Think Your Jokes Are Offensive"

This is For All My Camden Dykes..... I Meant Camdenites

I don't feel like making an opening paragraph or whatever.
I just wrote an opening sentence, though.
If you don't like my energy, then at least you can appreciate how I don't bitch and whine about how unfair life is and how people are backstabbers and all that hormonal good stuff.

• Guys, we all need to support Rebecca Black's career and buy her music. We need to legally purchase her song, buy her merchandise, come together as a fan base to say she needs to make an album, get her to go on tour, go to her concert and yell "CROWD SURF! CROWD SURF! CROWD SURF!" Then, when she jumps off stage and into the arms of her fans, we part like the Red Sea and let that shrill-toned tramp hit the unforgiving cement floor. I mean, the stage is like ten feet tall at most concerts. That's bound to do some damage. Right?
• I jizz in my pants...Danggit, now I gotta clean up. These are my favorite pair of Levi's. Damn.
• This isn't a joke. Next time you see a girl post a picture of just herself with something like "I don't look good in this one.", tell me. I'll just be like "You sho' don't! Aw hell naw! You one ugly mofo!" 
• I couldn't be gay if I tried. Not that I have tried, it's just that I know from things that are similar to what gays do. Okay, wait, not that I've done anything gay or anything like that. It's just that from what I've seen gay people do, DAMMIT, okay, not that I've seen gay people do gay stuff. It's just that...where was I going with this?........I'm straight. Okay? I like girls. "Yeah, but girls don't like you!" SHUT THE HELL UP, MOM!
• I'm caught in a bad romance. No, really, I am! HELP! SHE HAS A CATTLE PROD! I'M IN HER BASEMENT AND SHE'LL BE BA- OH SH*T! SHE'S HERE!

This is a headshot I sent in when I auditioned for COPS.

Beliebers Be Trippin'

Teresa TrainingBra here decided she wanted to show her love for her favorite pre-pubescent pop star, Justin Bieber, by carving "JB i love" into her skin, which I assume has never been touched by the opposite sex. Let's examine this photo, shall we? 

• Better break out that razor again, Teresa, looks like someone forgot to capitalize "I" in their scenie weenie expression of obsession! Maybe you would've gotten it right the first cut around if you paid attention in your remedial English class!
• Wtf is that junk in the bin? Looks like a pair of blue, knock-off Ray Bans. Someone is stylish!
• Notice the dust pan. For someone who a OCD neat freak, they sure can't cut a straight line.
• She's going to regret this when she grows up gets marri- PAHAHAHAH! No, she isn't going to get married. But all her cats she's gonna own are gonna be like "Mr. Whiskers, wtf is that on her arm?"
• We don't need people like this in the world. We really don't. All of you are like "Yeah, because she's crazy to do that to herself because of a singer." No. That's not it at all. She didn't even spell out his full name. I don't like people who half-ass stuff. She could have started at the shoulder and spelled out his full name. Don't do something if you're not gonna do it right. 
• Why couldn't she be psycho over someone with a longer name? Ya know, someone who would get her closer to the larger vein? Zach Galifianakis, perhaps.

G6's are Fly Like me

This is just a collection of some of my favorite jokes I've posted.

• They say guys think with their dick. Will you blow my mind?
• "Stockings ripped all up the side." Oh no! That means your presents from Santa will fall out! 
• Telling a girl you masturbate while thinking of her is like being the best accordion player in the world: that’s good for you and all, but it makes people think you’re weird.
• Geometry is like making love; I have absolutely no idea how to do it. I just nod my head if someone asks if I get it and hope they don’t ask me to go into detail.
• "Anime Club" and "Abstinence Club" are actually the same thing.
• If you're really quiet at midnight, you might just hear Tiger Woods digging himself into a deeper hole. (Translate that into whatever you may.)
• The band kids breed like freakin' rabbits. I see a new pale, yet somehow sexually active band junkie every day.
• “Me and ****** just broke up” I CALL SLOPPY SECONDS!!
• I expect that getting the news that you're adopted isn't so bad when you're from Georgia. "I'm adopted?! Dern, this is my lucky day, bo! This means that me and Sissy ain't going to hell for what we've been doing in the pick-up!"
• Girls, I know you like a guy in uniform. But if that uniform is a white polo shirt and khakis, then you're barking up the wrong tree.
• "Whore" and "female LE freshman" actually mean the same thing.
• If a girl asks me if I'm gay, I'm going to say yes and see just how many sexy sleepovers and midnight hot tub parties I can get out of it. "Cody, I don't think I'd be any good at sex." Weeelllll, if you reeaaalllllyyyy want to, we can do it and I'll tell you if you are or not. "Aww, that's so sweet. Do you wa-" LET'S DO IT NOW!.....um, gurrrrllll. 
• Thank You, God, for vaginas. I've heard they're pretty awesome.

I'm Such a Treat

I've figured out why I'm just so....out there/crazy/offbeat. It's because I don't have anyone to keep me in line. I've been single a while, and in the words of Bill Burr, “There’s this point when you’ve been single for too long where your brain switches from 'Hey, don’t say that, just don' to “Eeeeh, f***ing say it. See what happens'” I mean, that sums it up. I just don't have anyone to slap me on the back of the head when I do or say something stupid. 
I'm  forever alone/awesome

• Girls haven't figured out that they shouldn't send nude pics to guys.They’re like sexy baseball cards to us. “Dude, I’ll give you two topless for that one vajayjay.” I love this one and those are like, b-cups. (Bit)
• Superhero’s lives would be a lot easier if they had a gun. Green Goblin would be like “Attention, Spiderman, I have your beloved aunt May. If you want her back alive, you’ll have battle me!” and Spiderman would be like “Umm, f*** that.” and he’d just pull out a glock and shoot him in the head. Batman wouldn’t have to keep battling Joker. Just pump him full of lead when he had the chance. Heath Ledger would still be alive and Christian Bale wouldn’t have to do that God awful grunt voice when he’s Batman. (Bit)
• If you call a gay guy an ***hole, is it the same as calling a straight guy a pussy?
• Freedom of speech is like art. It’s a great thing when someone uses it because they have something to say, but it’s abused when people just put mindless, thoughtless shit out there.
• “Edit friends” means “Delete annoying freshmen”
• You make one gay joke and all of the sudden, you’re Neopets account is deleted…
• If Eve didn’t eat the fruit….we would all be naked right now. And God didn’t say anything in the Bible about sex until AFTER she and Adam at the fruit. So we could’ve just had sex with everyone.And I’m sure we would all look amazing and sexy. Danggit, Eve.
• I didn’t get a boner. My penis just got scared of those enormous things on your chest and it made itself bigger to seem more intimidating.

A Handjob is Just Your Girlfriend Molesting You

I only want you to think I'm fantastic.

• Girls get mad at guys for flirting with more than one girl. Girls can't decide whether they wanna hug their best friend for defending them in an argument, or beat them to death with their own spine for looking in the general direction of their ex. How do you think they're going to be able to choose a guy and stick with him and not flip flop around like Saddam on the end of a noose? Guys pick out about three or four girls they're interested in dating, flirt with all of them and then see which one comes around first. That's not 'playing' someone, that's strategy.
• Ordering food in an Italian restaurant can be embarrassing if you don't know how to pronounce a word. You'd be like "Um, yes, I'd like the fondue...uh, the fondue word on the menu." And then the waiter looks at you with a look that says "It's 'fondueta', dumbass! You wanna breadstick or are you gonna call them 'rolls'? What part of Camden did you come from?"
• Roses are red / Khakis are tan / You're really sexy / NOW GET IN THE VAN!
• Why, you look mighty jailbait-ish today.
• I want to start a restaurant and have tip jars that says "TIPS OR GTFO"'
• "I didn't know this was occupied. I'm sorry. I just came in here to breastfeed." And I just came..
• I want to make a real V-card. You could have a really nerdy pic of yourself when you first get it and once you swipe it, the picture changes to a really cool one of you. Like, a really cool one with you pointing at the person holding the card, it could be holographic and you could be wearing a V-neck. Those are awesome.  
• "They got nothing on yoooouuuu, girl....LOL, except those pics you sent them."