Don't let the Tabloids Fool you, she's a Psycho

You might have already read the review of Swift's new album in the LE Pitchfork, but if you haven't, I'll fill you in: In the lyrical booklet that comes with the CD, there are some letters that are capitalized that shouldn't be. At first, one might think that one of the 'ganstas' at our school typed it up. You know the ones you type LiKE dIsS
RigHT herE! But it's actually a cryptic message that spells out "secret" words and phrases.
Guys, we want girls all over us but we freak out when they become obsessive. Taylor Swift is one of those obsessive hoes that we fear in the dead of night. Don't believe that? Think she's just an innocent A-cup who can play guitar? Well, here are some of the 'secret' words decoded off her lyric booklet:

FOREVER AND ALWAYS
YOU THOUGHT I WOULD FORGET
STILL TO THIS DAY
I THOUGHT YOU GOT ME


Good God, this girl cannot let crap die. She wrote a song about her relationship with John Mayer. Which only makes me wonder how he's gonna respond to this. The guy is clearly superior to her in song-writing ability and of all celebrities, he's not scared to take a swing at someone.
Oh yeah, I like John Mayer. 
So, this is a bit biased.
But you gotta admit that she's crazy... 

Sleepy Hollow

Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your hoe rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your hoe, and you told her that she was the only hoe for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly… she’s not yo’ hoe no mo’.

Hey, I Wrote a Rap. Just like Every Other guy my age.

I be like B.o.B
Up in da air like a airplane
Take another sip and I'm airwayne
I'm invincible, even though I'm tiltin'
I'm getting hit by birds like Perez Hilton
I know that grammar is dead and gone
It makes you look dumb and wrong
But if you don't get it right
These boys goin' be shootin you down
Just like King Kong

"I Aim to Tease" The Inner Thoughts of a Girl who Pisses Guys Off

I want to do stand-up because I want to be the hottest  mofo ever seen in a Judd Appatow movie.

Shhhhh, I'm Celebrating YOU

I'm starting to write down stand-up material.
So far, these are the subjects I've written about:

• If girls can talk about their periods, then guys can talk about their...you know. 
• If Jose is going to risk his life to come to America for less than minimum wage, then I think we could allow him to mow a few lawns. Right?
• Girls with butterfaces. You know what I'm talking about. "Everything about her is hot...butterface."
• A girl with a nice butt is like a car with heated seats: it's a nice feature, but you'd be okay without it.
• How every single white guy is screwed if his girl leaves him for a black guy.
• How Boy Scouts turns all their members gay and how I got out just in time. The only damage it left me with is a love of musicals.
• How the band and JROTC kids GET MORE TAIL THAN ME!

Hopefully, I'll be able to piece together a set and find a place where I can try it out.
It'd be cool if ya'll would give some feedback about any stand-up bits I post on here in the future.
My black conclusion: Keep it tight, brah.
My white conclusion: Gee golly gosh, I hope you come back to read again!

I was at a Party and Someone Busted out the Wine Coolers. HOLLABACK!

I want to do stand-up comedy.

I've heard (and I believe) that it is one of the hardest things that you could do.

I just want to prove to myself and everyone around me that I can be somebody.

I'm not just some kid on Facebook, making stupid statuses.

I'm not just that kid in the class who is quiet and lets people walk all over him.

I'm not just that kid who can't play a note on any instrument, yet writes countless songs.

I'm not going to sit around and hope that I catch a break and become an actor.

I'm going to write some material.

I'm going to come up with a set.

I'm going to find a local comedy club and prove I'm an entertainer.

By the way, doesn't this alignment seem kinda girlish?

"I'm having trouble with self-image and fitting in and being myself and it's all so hard. Why are guys such jerks?"

The italics are supposed to represent a girl talking.

"Justin Bieber, I hate drama, possible hints at homosexuality by saying I love my friends too much, I love chocolate, I hate the way I look, everyone looks better than me, she's a hoe."

"Gravity" by John Mayer

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees


Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (now how can that be?)

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
Oh... where the light is.

My Teacher is Just a Pair of Thick Glasses Away From Being a Hipster

I wake up every morning and check my phone

Hoping for a “good morning”

If there isn’t, I’ll just read the “I love you“‘s from last night

Because truth be known; I feel so alone

And I won’t be waking up to you anytime soon

A history lesson is hard to learn so early

But it’s so fun when your teacher is a hipster

As much as I want to pay attention,

That girl in the back knows she can be a temptations

I try not to stare at her in her short skirt

I don’t know how you can call me gay

You should look in my mind for a day

Oh, World of Warcraft and khakis

Star Trek and jeans on the weekends, I suppose

You’re the coolest as far as dorky teachers go

You’d probably be cooler if my interests weren’t elsewhere

I mean, she’s hardly wearing anything

And I got a v-neck on

And if my pick-up lines worked,

I’d be writing a more explicit song

This place is filled with douchebags without popped collars

Yeah, secret jerks are the worse

And they always seem to be in the class with all the hotties

I don’t stand a chance against the Weezy-loving ballers

Well, at least it’s Friday

Beam me up, Scotty

Dude, you don’t have to pretend

We all know you miss your ex girlfriend

But there’s a chick in the seat behind me

Who will take your mind off that scenie weenie

Oh, she’s such a hot virgin

Those are hard to find, you know

Oh, World of Warcraft and khakis

Star Trek and jeans on the weekends, I suppose

You’re the coolest as far as dorky teachers go

You’d probably be cooler if my interests weren’t elsewhere

I mean, she’s hardly wearing anything

And I got a v-neck on

And if my pick-up lines worked,

I’d be writing a more explicit song

"I learned at a very early age that if I keep repeating myself over and over, I'm right. That means that either truth is relevant, or I'm God." -Joel McHale

Only ELEVEN Messages?

I'm Scared You'll Forget About Me

Never get your hopes up without the expectation of them never being fulfilled. That moment you see it all go askew, walk away. Cut your losses and leave. It’s best to leave while ahead than to be equal IF you make the best of a bad situation.

Don’t get attached to anyone or anything but your dreams.
If something seems too good to be true, it is.
Don’t dwell on the bad things.
If you’re excelling yourself, then you’re doing something right.
If someone gets in your way, screw ‘em.
No matter who they are.

Wired and I'm Tired

Ladies, ladies, ladies, you can’t be posting pics of yourself that are an inch of fabric away from being porn and not expect to be called a hoe. If you keep on that road, you’re gonna be pregnant with a kid whose father is unknown, posting Lil Wayne lyrics acting like it’s all alright when you really just want to just run away. Let’s face it, people who show off their bodies never end up in good places. Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Anne Hudgens, Paris Hilton. Heck, it even happens to guys. You know those d-bags who post pics of themselves showing their abs in their bathroom with a bandanna on their face while holding their dad’s shotgun? Yeah, those are gonna be the guys who are gonna screw up your orders at Mickey D’s and be on the news for shooting their chubby girlfriend over a pack of cigarettes. But you’re probably saying to yourself “But Cody, everything is covered up. It’s not like I’m a hoe!” Oh yes, you are. See, no one takes pics of themselves wearing a bikini inside without a motive of attracting guys. Look, if you want to get guys by whoring out, go for it. I don’t have a real problem with that. What I do have a problem with is when girls are like “I want a guy who loves me for me!” because it’s your own fault for starting a relationship on a physical level. After years of observing the inner workings of a hoe, I’ve come up with this: They developed at a young age which made them stand out from the other girls. After years of relationships built on appearances and countless compliments by guys, they’ve gotten a taste of attention and a need for it. Now, in order not to face the realization that their bodies will be used up by age 19, they’ve resulted in insulting other girls and calling them hoes because to make them feel better about themselves.