I feel as if revealing an unplanned pregnancy could be less of a dreaded experience if the right words were chosen. "Mom, dad, I'm pregnant" sounds like you just wrecked your dad's prized Mustang because you were texting and driving. Make it sound better than it is. Turn that whorish slip-up into a beautiful miracle. "Mother, father, I have created life." Doesn't that sound way better? Let's continue down this road of beautifully bullshitting the consequences of our promiscuity: "Twas a cold night in the back of a car and after a failed effort to convince my love to greet my lady parts with a heavenly kiss, we finally became intimate for a graceful three minutes. And in that time of gentle, sweaty, stank-ass embrace, my partner sneezed. Mucus was not the only thing sprayed. But fret not dear parents, for Jason is mature, has a job and will be a wonderful father. I know this because he's 43, my boss down at Subway and is already married. I know this is much to take in, but you're welcome. You are very lucky to have such a caring child who has brought you the greatest gift of all: a grandbaby. Now if one of you could drive me to my 9th grade graduation ceremony, that'd be highly appreciated."
I hope that if any of you ever find yourself in a situation where you have to admit to your parents that you have a child on the way; you'll look back on this and spruce up your confession.
Make sure to wear a condom.
Or don't.
Condoms seriously suck. Like, oh my God, just shoot me. You know? All chicks should just get pregnant early, have the baby, then freeze it for when they want it later. That way, they can get their tubes tied and I don't have to hide Trojans in my room anymore. Doesn't that sound great? You could just pop the baby in the microwave and heat it up for when you want it. Like a Lean Cuisine. I wonder how long you'd put it in there for?... Like, probably 4 minutes. That's a long time in microwave minutes.
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